Grow Up. Waaaay Up.

December 20, 2016

If it looks like $#!+. Smells like $#!+And tastes like $#!+. I’m sure it is $#!+. Some just can’t smell it. Pity.

I mean look at the guy. LOOK AT HIM! He comes here dressed like a used car salesman from Atlantic City or worse, Greeley (or a momma’s boy in middle school), stands on the corner of Portage & Main on the coldest, windiest day of the year and squeals and complains like he’s in Grade 7.
altitude2 Then he writes on the hotel room window like we used to do….when we were 12. Oh yeah….see that little degree symbol beside the -26? Get rid of the damn thing. WIND CHILL IS NOT  TEMPERATURE. See explanation here if you believe you are capable of understanding.  Thanks Rob*

So this dude comes to my city, a city well-known for getting blasts of cold Arctic air (usually after Alberta clippers or Colourado lows). But he comes woefully unprepared.
He only came here because the professional sports team he covers had a match with the local heroes. Problem is that in his town, ice hockey is about as popular as high school bowling and his gig is considered the lowest in the pecking order. i.e. he is used to getting crapped on. And when he gets here he is in a foul smelling mood… he forgets that he is covering a last place sports team and he becomes part weatherman, part social commentator. Positions he is obviously unqualified for…. but feels he is. Then he starts his finger pointing and name calling like a school yard bully with the camera rolling.

He airs (on his local Altitude TV channel) several pieces making fun of this town. It reveals one thing….he evidently thinks his $#!+ don’t stink. Unaware that, just like everyone else on the planet, his $#!+ does indeed stink.

He also comes from a place that hides the truth well. They are a pretentious lot. It seems everyone where he comes from claims they compete regularly in triathlons, climb the highest mountain peaks and  cycle in local versions of the Tour de France. And they all proudly wear T-shirts proclaiming these epic feats. Problem is, most of them only dream of such accomplishments. They just don’t recognise reality. Kinda reminds me of a Simpson’s cartoon episode.

They also proudly talk about their fresh air and clean mountain water when in reality the city regularly has a brown cloud hanging overhead, whilst their drinking water gets contaminated with invisible toxic chemicals. Mmmmm. Not to mention the clouds of pot smoke downtown created by stunned throngs of Dorito munching marijuana day-trippers. Or the foul air found in certain local suburban areas that drifts over the entire city prior to the ever-common dumps of snow. And they wonder (and I quote them) ‘why the air smells like $#!+?’.

Not to mention the fact that his entire city is located in a wind tunnel…..howling winds are not uncommon. They are everywhere. Have you ever been forced to land at their airport? The bumpy ride in is better than any ride at the Red River Ex – planes have been known to flip right over in mid-air….and then there is that welcoming  ‘smells like $#!+’ thing when/if you get off the plane. Oh, oh…. and how ’bout their own future weather forecast that calls for dark and stormy days ahead due to their new child-like commander-in-chief. Seems that childish attitude is rubbing off on the common folk/sportscasters. BTW, in Canada Colorado is spelled Colourado. Good luck suckers!

The point is, (although they think otherwise): their crap does stink. Use the fan please.

So normally, I would go after these people who feel they are qualified to mindlessly attack others on their playground of life but no more. I ain’t sayin’ nuthin’. I’ve gone through all the Kübler-Ross stages of acceptance. I’m done. I’m going to one of our 100,000 unspoiled, completely wild, lakes – to chill out. No need to wear a T-Shirt telling everyone I enjoy pure, untouched wilderness that contain zero shops for transient tourists – I just do it! Ha.

When I first saw this dude’s commentary, this is how I reacted (we know where it belongs):

First stages – Denial / Anger:

Angry parrot goes rude with his master.

YT post by Farhanul Alam

Then came the weeping (and perhaps a wee bit of drinking) –

Middle Stages – Bargaining / Depression:

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – The Weeping Song

yt post by MuteChannel

I should point out the first verse specifically:
Then go up into the mountains
The men, they are weeping too (complete lyrics/chords)

Final Stage – Acceptance (watch and you shall be especially enamoured with her comments – I believe she speaks for all of us):

Kathy Burke funny acceptance speech – please try to understand/accept what is difficult to wrap your exposed little head around….

yt post by British Comedy Awards

Image result for spike dog cartoon

…….hey Spike. Whacha gonna say now  eh Spike. Spike?

Denver Broncos?? Doh!

Image result for simpsons denver broncos

Image result for simpsons cartoon sign winnipeg

Epilogue: People like these guys who fear the cold and refuse to dress properly (mom doesn’t dress you any more) may not realize it but temperatures they call a ‘death sentence’ are actually welcomed by many. You see, we had the warmest October/November since records have been kept (1870’s) and the lakes and rivers were unfrozen (remember the wind surfers on Lake Winnipeg earlier in December). Then the cold snap arrived like an avalanche. That ‘deadly’ cold probably actually saved lives as the ice formed and thickened up. Many people here welcome cold with open arms as it means they can safely venture into the road-less lake country for work and play. And don’t forget the communities that have no means of getting food and supplies by land until the winter roads are safe.
Meanwhile…..mere hours after the jokers left, the temperature shot up…..way up to 32F. But everybody was gone. Was it a gift from Manitou? Some call that crazy cold a  weather filter, insuring the weak and insecure never come here to the center of North America.

Post Mortem: * Quote from Rob’s ObsThis recent cold spell has once again shown that people (especially the media!) are often confusing windchill with an actual temperature. This appeared in an article today in the Toronto Sun – “The Edmonton International Airport recorded a low of -46.1C, with the mercury dropping to -58.4C with the windchill, outfreezing even the Arctic.” Well, that’s not exactly true. The mercury did indeed drop to -46.1C at Edmonton airport, but it never dropped to -58.4C.


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